Page Two

February 28, 2003
Randomness found by Sita

Great New Female Drugs...

D A M I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. M O M 'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
D U M E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of loud country western music and cheap beer.
P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B U Y- A G R A: Injectable stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-AL: When combined with Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R A G A M E T: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

February 8, 2003
Randomness found by Sita

Take the test, find out for yourself. How evil are you? Me:

Try it. Click on the scale to take the test. Some are just insane, others are truly evil.

January 27, 2003
Randomness found by Sita
This was mailed to me from a friend. It's not his story but he thought it was cute:

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet Syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, " I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later."We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breath Ernie,Breath!!"

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr.. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....ER.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Erin's just,just Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that..I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our sonback into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

January 23, 2003
Randomness found by Sita
Ever have that dream of showing up to work naked? Here are reasons to do it!

Reasons to Show Up to Work Naked!

1) Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00."
2) Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3) Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4) I'd love to chip in but I left my wallet in my pants.
5) To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6) You want to see if it's like the dream.
7) So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8) People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9) Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10) Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11) No one steals your chair.

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